If You Can't Be Cool Be Quiet

Life hits all at once, so we talk through grief, meds, and the weird ways we try to hold it together while still wanting connection. We move from friendship and belonging to parenting logistics, tech anxiety, and a heartfelt question about raising kids with ADHD without passing on shame. 

Join us as for:
• tracking a messy few weeks of medication changes and losing a dog 
• using humor to cope while still naming real grief 
• craving community and confusing it with religion 
• learning that friendship seasons are not personal failures 
• a broken air conditioner and solo parenting reality 
• what it feels like when friends show up as a village 
• color hunting as a free creativity game and mindset shift 
• debating coolness and why enthusiasm gets dismissed 
• social media privacy and why accountability feels overdue 
• divagating as an accidental show theme 
• ideas for building intimacy with low-pressure shared time 
• refusing to learn Bluetooth and other everyday mysteries 
• thinking ahead about kids, ADHD, labels, tools and reducing shame 

If you've got a thought to share or are looking for a bit of advice on something, leave us a voicemail at the link below!

https://www.speakpipe.com/overthinkingpod

If you'd like to message us you can use the email below or the text link at the top overthinking@theoverbys.com

CONNECT:
TikTok: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Instagram: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Website:  https://jojohnsonoverby.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:04

Week one, medication. Life-changing. Week two, dog died. Kind of a mess. Week three. Kind of a little bit better, but still a mess.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

Is this how the podcast is gonna start?

SPEAKER_05 0:14

Week one, med's good. Week two, med's good, dog died. Week three, dog's still dead. Med's okay.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Oh, babe.

SPEAKER_05 0:22

Imagine dog not dead.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Yeah, that that'd be spooky.

SPEAKER_05 0:25

Dog resurrected, dog Jesus.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

Dog resurrected. Dog Jesus, just in time for Easter.

Replacing A Dog With Dog Jesus

SPEAKER_05 0:31

Second coming. Yeah. It's like week three. Tipped back into my. All right, throw some alternatives out for me. What are people gonna be like, that's our guy?

SPEAKER_01 0:52

But I don't think that that's the purpose.

SPEAKER_05 0:54

Iguana? But what are you thinking? Iguana. Kamoto dragon?

SPEAKER_01 0:58

No, I think not a reptile. I don't know, like an elephant.

SPEAKER_05 1:01

Actually, I'm more on boardish now. Can it talk?

SPEAKER_01 1:05

Because if it can't, it's it's not a that well, I think we need it to talk.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

How would we know?

SPEAKER_01 1:11

We're not supposed to know, I don't think.

SPEAKER_05 1:13

It's just poached for its tusks, turned into ice. Oh, we're crucifying it. I don't think the idea is he comes back, it's double crucified. You're not a biblical scholar, nor am I.

SPEAKER_01 1:27

I am not a biblical scholar. If there's one thing I have learned in the last year, I grew up in the Presbyterian church. I was confirmed in eighth grade, I was baptized as a baby. I thought that I had like the general stories.

SPEAKER_05 1:40

You don't got shit.

SPEAKER_01 1:42

Well, and I wonder if part of it's just my memory. Yeah, I don't think you're my memory is so bad.

SPEAKER_05 1:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

But even the things I was locked in on, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 1:51

What are you locked in on? Got it church-wise.

SPEAKER_01 1:54

I liked church. Like when I was a little bit.

SPEAKER_05 1:59

Yeah, you you wanted friends. That's why you went to church. Well, you're not like you went to church because your family went to church. Sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

It's not like I was like, mom, dad.

SPEAKER_05 2:07

You were desperate for community.

SPEAKER_01 2:09

Yeah, bad. I tried in college, it didn't work.

SPEAKER_05 2:13

You did try in college.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

That that's a whole have we told that story on the pot. Is it too embarrassing?

SPEAKER_05 2:18

It's not my story. You have to determine if it's too embarrassing.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

I don't feel embarrassed, but should I is what I'm asking.

SPEAKER_05 2:25

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 2:26

Everybody that listens knows I've struggled with friendship. Not the thing that I'm realizing though is I don't know how true that is that I've actually struggled in the friendships as much as I have struggled appreciating what my friends I've struggled appreciating my friendships for what they are in the seasons I've been in.

SPEAKER_05 2:45

Totally. You what you want out of a friendship is really closer to probably family.

SPEAKER_01 2:49

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 2:50

Like you're looking for a lot of intimacy and closeness with people, which one takes time to build, yes, and two takes really specific people that are also open to that. You're you're kind of supplementing your family, whereas a lot of people have family that they are close with. And so there's plenty of people that would that are close friends, but are like, I have my family for family.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

Right.

SPEAKER_05 3:10

And you have family, it's just you're usually trying to bring friends into that side of things.

SPEAKER_01 3:16

Yeah, but I don't my family relationships are just kind of different than a lot of people. Like I lived really far away from my family and I was an only child. Anyway, long story short, that's something I've been thinking about lately. Yeah, so many of my friends are from different seasons like that. Anyway, I've gotten so off track. It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_05 3:33

Just to touch on that though, I feel like a lot of that has come back together as you've become an adult. Which is like you were looking for those friendships in that season and you poured into those friends, but not all of those friends, A, were in a season where that was something they were looking for, or B felt the same way. And you've you've worked to stay in touch and build those friendships out later. And those those become close friendships, but I don't know that in that time.

SPEAKER_01 3:56

Right. But that's the thing that I wish I would have known then is instead of taking it personally and feel like those were failures, realizing that like that could come back around or it won't, and it was okay either way.

SPEAKER_05 4:06

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 4:07

Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_05 4:07

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:08

Anyway, back to the story. Super long story, no, super short story long.

SPEAKER_05 4:13

Short story may which is the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 4:16

When I was in college, I decided to go to University of Arkansas. I didn't know anybody there. I was hoping to like reinvent myself and make new friends, and I uh it it didn't go how I thought it would. A lot of people in the Greek organization I was in knew each other prior to coming. Like there were already kind of clicks and friend groups made, and I met people and I I made friends, but it took longer than I thought. And I had totally forgotten about this. But Matt's going through all of our stuff, when was it?

SPEAKER_05 4:50

Uh it could have been a year ago, probably.

SPEAKER_01 4:52

Okay. And I always talk about how entering into college, I already knew I wasn't religious, and I thought, but again, memory's not good.

SPEAKER_05 5:04

I think you didn't have a strong self-identity going into college, and you were like, I'm gonna make friends, like I'm going to I'm open to explore anything. Yeah, I'm going to figure out who I am in college, which is a a time to do that. That's not abnormal. But you're like, I'm gonna try it all, I'm gonna figure it out. And you did.

SPEAKER_01 5:25

And Matt found this journal about a year ago, and he brings it to me, and he like hands it to me. He's like, look at this. And I'm looking through, and I was like, Oh, it's a bunch of Bible verses.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:37

And that I had like written out in this journal. I said to Matt, I was like, Man, I don't remember being on a faith journey in college like this. And Matt goes, read those a little closer, girlfriend, read those a little bit closer. So I go through, and every single verse is about being lonely and wanting friends.

SPEAKER_05 5:56

It really is. There's a Bible reference, and then you're like, I'm grateful for my friends, and I'm looking for, you know, but community. Everything, it was never centered around religion. And I mean, you're just giving it a shot, and totally, especially, you know, people in that community are like, Yeah, come on in, like, this is our thing.

SPEAKER_01 6:15

Yeah, definitely.

SPEAKER_05 6:16

So, but every every single journal reference was I want friends. Yeah. Thanks, Jesus. I was like, this is really truly encapsulating what you were doing.

SPEAKER_01 6:30

Well, and I did find through that that it didn't resonate with me.

SPEAKER_05 6:34

Yeah, the way we always reference is you weren't religious enough for the religious crowd, and you didn't party enough for the party crowd.

SPEAKER_01 6:42

No, nobody wanted me.

SPEAKER_05 6:43

Yeah, some. You figured it out. I did figured it out. Anyway, there's some trial and error. You had a lot of trial and a lot of error.

SPEAKER_01 6:52

I absolutely dissected how embarrassing I was through my entire 20s journey.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

It's fine. You you came through it.

SPEAKER_01 7:00

I came through it. Do you have anything to share with the class?

SPEAKER_05 7:03

Oh man, what do I have on my mind?

SPEAKER_01 7:04

Oh, hi, I'm Joe.

SPEAKER_05 7:06

I'm Matt.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

And this is Overthinking with the Overbees. Yeah, it's a good thing. And if you're new here, that was kind of a weird intro, but also honestly pretty normal. So we're happy you're here.

SPEAKER_05 7:17

Hey, on the top, voicemails, emails, text messages.

SPEAKER_01 7:22

You can leave us a voicemail, you can text us, you can email us, and while you're listening right now, take your phone out, go to whatever you're listening on, whether that's Spotify or Apple Podcasts, and rate us and leave a review. And that would be really wonderful.

SPEAKER_05 7:38

And in the description, there's a link and for all the stuff.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

So for email and voicemail. It's all down there. Okay. Yep. Anyway, update what what do you have to share with the classback week? Yeah, we did.

Solo Parenting With No AC

SPEAKER_05 7:48

What do I have to share? Man, what have I been doing?

SPEAKER_01 7:50

You've been fixing air conditioners. That's what you've been doing.

SPEAKER_05 7:53

Fixing is okay.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Actually, you've been disassembling our air conditioner. That's what we've got to do.

SPEAKER_05 7:58

I've been diagnosing. I have enough knowledge of how an air conditioner works that I can replace most of the basic wear and tear parts, your capacitors, your contactors. I can see if wire is burned up. That's happened before.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

So for context, Matt was gonna have solo daddying with all three kids for three nights while I did kind of a staycation close by with my two best friends.

SPEAKER_05 8:25

Which you talked about. That was your bad uh mean mom. Mean mom.

SPEAKER_01 8:29

I was about to do that, yes. And so Matt was all prepped and ready for his three nights. And the night before I'm about to leave, I get back late because my friends were already in town the night before we left. And we get back from meeting up with some friends at late.

SPEAKER_05 8:48

It was like seven, eight o'clock.

SPEAKER_01 8:50

No, it was midnight. Oh it was late, and uh because we'd been out for a friend's birthday, yeah. And uh, when I pull up, my laptop is on, I didn't see you at first.

SPEAKER_05 9:04

Oh, you were talking about yeah, I was outside. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

So I pull up and my laptop's on our trash can, and I was like, what's what how did why did Matt leave that out here? And then suddenly a headlamp turns in my direction. I was like, oh, and you were down in the air conditioner, the whole thing's taken apart, and it is like 80 degrees in our house.

SPEAKER_05 9:30

Yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_01 9:32

And Matt's about to have the kids by himself for three days with an 80-degree house. Yeah, you ended up being up till like two or three in the morning and then had to wake up and be in doubt. Oh, I felt so bad.

SPEAKER_05 9:46

Yeah. Fortunately, there was like one warm day and the kids got out, and when I knew we weren't gonna have air conditioning, I could do a lot of, I could draw a lot of the shades and turn the fans on. I was able to prepare more when I knew we didn't have air conditioning.

SPEAKER_01 10:00

But I also feel like you were not gonna ask for help from anybody. No, no, and I was really nervous about that just because that's a that's a lot. Like you have a almost one-year-old, a three-year-old, and a four-year-old.

unknown 10:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:17

By yourself, which I know you're fully capable of that. You do it all the time. I like I get it. But if that were me and like you were going, like when you've gone away on the weekend and stuff, and I have all three kids, if it had been 80 degrees in the house, I would have been like that.

SPEAKER_05 10:34

You just wouldn't have been at the house. You do we are living at the library today.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

I would, but I would be ticked off.

SPEAKER_05 10:40

Yeah. So because that would screw with naps, that would screw with it would screw with everything.

SPEAKER_01 10:45

Yeah. And so, and we're in a season where the naps aren't aligned. Like there's always somebody sleeping. Or and so it makes it really hard to go out and do stuff. Um, long, I'm gonna stop saying long story short, by golly. Short story long, short story long. Uh, I sent out an SOS voice memo on our way to the Compton where we were staying and said to our friends, I was like, basically, Matt, solo parenting for three days. It's 80 degrees in our house, the air conditioner's not working. I don't know what anybody's doing today, but if anybody has availability to do something, anything to help the man out, let me know. Or don't let me know. Let him know. And Matt, did you you didn't know I did that?

SPEAKER_05 11:32

You had told me, like, hey, I just let people know that, but you didn't really like. Once a bunch of people contact me, I was like, Hey, did you make it sound like our house is falling apart? Because like I didn't a lot of people checked, they were so nice and really kind. Everyone was like, Hey, can I can I bring you a meal? One of our friends just came and picked up the kids. They're like, We're going to the park, I'm taking your kids.

SPEAKER_01 11:55

She put the car seats in her van, and there was no question.

SPEAKER_05 11:57

She's like, I need car seats.

SPEAKER_01 11:59

It was her birthday, too.

SPEAKER_05 12:00

Yeah, I that was crazy. Um, which was so appreciated. And I was like able to get a little bit more done around the house and get picked up. Like I said, I was able to prepare, and the house was not as hot as I was worried it was gonna get, and so everything turned out fine. But I was like, hey, our friends are so nice.

SPEAKER_01 12:17

It was a true village moment, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:19

It was, and we just have not had that experience. Like, my we took the kids over to my parents that that night for dinner, and like we have people, but I've never had people show up like that in mass. Yeah, especially people just come and like do it.

SPEAKER_01 12:34

Right.

SPEAKER_05 12:35

That was wild.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

But it was really cool.

SPEAKER_05 12:38

Yeah, it was really, really cool.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

And so um so you had that and I had my girl trip. You did, which was so much fun. I had a blast. We color hunted, we went to the museum, we ate fantastic food, we laughed until I cried, we smashed a couple fantastic desserts. Uh, it was just a really I feel like since entering motherhood, it's few and far between that I get a full 24-hour period with friends, kidless.

unknown 13:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

Like we might go to dinner or we might, you know, but in years past, prior to having kids, I would travel with my friends and I would be working with my friends, shooting weddings and doing, you know, all kinds of stuff. And in the last month, I've gotten some really cool extended time with friends that I have really appreciated and have really filled my cup.

SPEAKER_05 13:32

Yeah. That's true.

SPEAKER_01 13:33

I feel very fortunate to be able to do it. So thank you. Yeah. Because that was because of you uh supporting me. I wouldn't be able to do it.

SPEAKER_05 13:40

Yeah. Everybody's showing up. I mean, just the kids going out that afternoon made the weekend so much more doable. Tolerable, yeah. Yeah, we've had no air conditioning for the last. It's been really mild, so I don't want it to be like a poor me, we're dying in our house. Like half the week was 70 degrees. The air conditioner wouldn't have run had it working, had it been working. Do you want me to do a little tutorial on like what to do if you're no?

Color Hunting And Buying In

SPEAKER_01 14:03

I want you to move on from the air conditioner. I thought we moved on from the air conditioner when I started talking about my weekend, but you didn't respond with any response to the things I shared about my weekend and just launched right back into the air conditioner.

SPEAKER_05 14:15

Do you want to show people what color hunting is?

SPEAKER_01 14:16

I didn't know what color hunting was until I don't know that it's I mean, I think people yeah, it is a thing. Like people do it, and it's been a really popular trend in the photographer.

SPEAKER_05 14:28

Okay. Is this is this a chronically online bit?

SPEAKER_01 14:31

Ooh, maybe. Yeah. Chronically online, color hunting. If you've never heard of color hunting, it's really supposed to, I think, tickle your brain and help you see things from a different perspective. When you're with a group of people, each of you is assigned a color and you can use your phone, a camera, anything. And as you go on with your day with your friends, you take photos of everything you see that is that color.

SPEAKER_05 15:00

And you make like a like a grid.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

And then you put them all together to see like this is the yellow vibe from the day. This is the green vibe. That's cool. Like, we've kind of made it into a competition.

SPEAKER_05 15:10

Like you it makes you focus on like it draws your eye to specific things and composing things that Right.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

And the thing is, as I was doing it throughout the day, I wasn't just I was yellow and I wasn't just looking at things that were yellow. I was looking for everybody's colors. And it was making me appreciate a lot of smaller details and things that I may not have picked up on if I wasn't seeking out that specific.

SPEAKER_05 15:36

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense that it would kind of it gives you like a target for your creativity.

SPEAKER_01 15:43

Highly recommend because it's a free activity.

SPEAKER_05 15:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:46

And we had a lot of fun doing it. You may very vibe actually. Actually, if I'm being totally honest, I had to really push it on everybody else.

SPEAKER_05 15:55

You were selling it a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

Oh, yeah. Caroline, over there. No, literally. And this is what really set me off.

SPEAKER_05 16:02

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 16:03

Once I posted the video, Caroline was like, yeah, green's the best. Everybody vote for green. You didn't even want to do the activity.

SPEAKER_05 16:11

I will say, I would have also been very skeptical. I'd been like, what are we doing? Until I saw the grids, and the grids, I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. Once I saw that, I was like, I get it. Like, I would want to make something cool.

SPEAKER_01 16:20

This is something that really irks me. Fair. We've been talking about this a lot, actually.

SPEAKER_03 16:27

Have we?

SPEAKER_01 16:28

Yeah. Okay. I guess you don't know where I'm going. I have good ideas, and nobody's ever on board. I have to pull everybody into it. And then we get to the end, they're like, oh yeah, I guess that was actually really cool. I'm like, what the heck?

SPEAKER_05 16:42

That the problem is, I think you're so enthusiastic about everything that it's hard to discern what's actually gonna be good and what is Joe just like trying to pump up. That felt worse coming out of my mouth. Yeah, I mean, that's valid. That's valid.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

Because I'm never trying to pump up something that I don't believe in.

SPEAKER_05 17:01

You're so ready to buy in on anything that not anything still not good. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:07

We can't trust your taste. And so we have to feel it out for ourselves to see if it's actually good.

SPEAKER_05 17:13

It's probably an individual flaw with the people you're discussing this with that they're a little more cynical than you are. I just like to have fun. I don't want to say critical, like they're better at picking, because you're, I think, great at picking stuff. They just they don't have your joie de vive, your your energy.

SPEAKER_01 17:28

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 17:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

I'm just excited for life.

SPEAKER_05 17:31

You usually are. And not everybody's got that dog in them.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

I think that's a really good free activity, though. I think it would be a fun date.

SPEAKER_05 17:38

I think it would be a good date. You could do it at a museum.

SPEAKER_01 17:41

Yeah, like if you were going on a museum. I agree. I think it would be fun with kids.

SPEAKER_05 17:47

Kids would be really into it. I feel like if you had like six to eight year olds, that would be a sweet spot.

SPEAKER_00 17:52

I agree.

SPEAKER_05 17:53

You might have to convince them.

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Or older. I feel like you could do all the way through elderly.

SPEAKER_05 17:59

I think there's an age where you're gonna have to really pitch it more. I think that five, six, eight range, you're gonna be a little bit more than a few.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

Like you're saying, teenagers, I'd have to really pitch it.

SPEAKER_05 18:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

You think?

SPEAKER_05 18:09

I I hope our our kids are fun, but some kids aren't.

SPEAKER_01 18:13

I guess I've never thought to myself that my kids could be that way, and that was a good call out.

SPEAKER_05 18:19

Yeah. I should prepare myself that I think you're a great example of why you should be that way. You've made me much more that way of like ready to buy in, ready to do stuff. And if it sucks, it sucks.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

But well, that's the fun of life, I feel like.

SPEAKER_05 18:33

Well, I didn't know that. I was too busy trying to be cool or something. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 18:38

You know what? Not being cool has forever served me because I came out the womb not cool.

SPEAKER_05 18:45

I think your only like strong self-awareness early on was like, I'm not cool, probably not gonna be cool.

SPEAKER_01 18:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:52

It goes back to the conversation we had about religion at the beginning. I never connected with cool.

SPEAKER_05 18:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 18:59

Just like I never connected with religion. And so it wasn't like a active choice. I'm just not good at like you, and I'm not saying you're not cool, but even if you weren't cool, I feel like you could fake it.

SPEAKER_05 19:15

I feel like all I've ever done is fake it.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

Really?

SPEAKER_05 19:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:19

You don't feel like you are at your core cool.

SPEAKER_05 19:22

No.

SPEAKER_01 19:24

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 19:25

I won't lie to you, I'm not positive what's at my core, but levely mysterious. Cool is so subjective. Uh I I think I'm interesting. Like I think there's good things in there. I don't know that I'm inherently cool. I don't know if anyone is inherently cool because I think cool to a degree is performative for other people.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

I agree.

SPEAKER_05 19:49

Like cool is so much about how you're being perceived, how you want to be perceived. And it's there's not something wrong with that on its own, as long as you're also living authentically to what like being cool and doing stuff that you don't care about just to be cool, that's an issue. But I think cool is more about modeling your presentation. And so early on, I learned the less I said and the more nonchalant I was, the closer to cool I could pretend.

SPEAKER_01 20:23

Nonchalant is the thing with this young, the younger generation that's in middle school and high school. No, but they the term nonchalant as a whole is very in the zeitgeist. Yeah, and I actually disagree with you that it's always been the thing. I think that it's always been effective.

SPEAKER_05 20:42

Yeah. And you're confusing that's the easiest entry. Yeah. Honestly, I think younger generations are much better at buying in and being excited about stuff. I feel like I see that more with younger generations than I did in our time. I think trying or being interested in stuff at all was not cool when we were kids.

SPEAKER_01 21:01

I think that's how it is right now.

SPEAKER_05 21:03

I think to a degree it's always that way, but I see so much more like when you go online and you go on TikTok and there's people like, hey, have fun and like be interested in life.

SPEAKER_01 21:12

But I think you're seeing that because those are the only the people saying that are our age. Like you're not seeing high school and I mean, I don't see any high school kids on the school.

SPEAKER_05 21:23

No, I don't either, but I guess but I feel like I see younger 20s people and stuff at a point where that still wouldn't have been. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 21:31

I don't know. I don't know that I agree with that.

SPEAKER_05 21:32

But maybe I'm just in close proximity to you and you get served other people that want to have fun. But yeah, I feel like they are less serious.

SPEAKER_01 21:40

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 21:41

Nuance we should not be speaking like we're experts on this.

SPEAKER_01 21:44

I just feel like we're not experts on anything. I feel like at some point we do a disclaimer of that every single episode.

SPEAKER_05 21:50

Easily, probably twice an episode at least. I think it's I think there's more buy-in on it.

SPEAKER_01 21:55

If you have thoughts on this, uh shoot us a text or an email because I would love to hear what people have.

SPEAKER_05 22:00

If you're in a demographic that knows shit about this, uh, let us know.

unknown 22:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 22:04

If we're way off base.

SPEAKER_01 22:05

Uh, you had a chronically online update for me today.

Social Media Privacy And Accountability

SPEAKER_05 22:08

An update, yes. Chronically online. A couple weeks ago, we talked about how Meta was being sued. They lost their lawsuit.

SPEAKER_01 22:14

I saw that. So I'm wondering how it's going to impact things.

SPEAKER_05 22:19

I'm optimistic that we are moving in a direction where there are going to be more privacy laws, more where companies are going to be held responsible for the negative effects of their products and of their stuff. Because I it it just has to happen. There's so much damage that's been done. Social media has a lot of great applications. There's a lot of positive like there are groups for people that have niche interests, niche diseases, and support groups, and it's connected a lot of people. But there has to be responsibility for so many of these negative externalities. And so many of them were known early. And that's the thing. When I talked about it being kind of a big tobacco moment, the thing with big tobacco is they knew cigarettes were dangerous. And addictive. And addictive, and they knew that's and they were just like, eh, this is a cash cow. They're like, Yeah, that's how we make money.

SPEAKER_01 23:10

Yeah, it's addictive and bad for people.

SPEAKER_05 23:12

And there's like 10 times that amount of information from early on in these social media platforms where they're like, hey, this is how we make it stickier. It does cause like a bunch of other issues, but like people can't stop. And so, and the amount of internal like information and emails and communications that are just laid out that they know and they acted anyway, they're gonna have to be held responsible. And they've got the money to cover it, and they can also there's so many just approachable small things that can be done. Like Europe is already way more proactive on this, but just protections and making sure that privacy laws. Yeah, even privacy laws, I feel like are even their own thing, but it's let's stop targeting kids, let's stop putting kids in danger. Um to line our pockets, yeah, just so in general, period. But yeah, but social media, I feel like they're that reckoning is coming. I'm hoping by the time our kids are older that a lot of this will have played out. And I feel bad for the generations that are kind of in between us and future ones that have had to bear the brunt of this experience.

SPEAKER_00 24:28

Totally.

Word Of The Week Divagate

SPEAKER_05 24:28

Because I think it's done a lot of a lot of damage. All right, word of the week. Divigate.

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Divigate. May I try to spell it?

SPEAKER_05 24:39

Looks like divigate.

SPEAKER_01 24:41

Oh, okay. Oh, sorry. Well, now it's gonna get really easy to spell. D-I-V-A-S-C-T. I cannot listen to D-E. Divigate.

SPEAKER_05 24:48

Divigate, yes. Divigate to wander or stray.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_05 24:53

Yeah, it makes sense. Like diverge.

SPEAKER_01 24:56

Yeah, divigate. Yeah. Divigate.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

The speaker began to divigate from the main. We talk over each other this whole podcast. There are people that really enjoy that aspect, and I think there are people that are like, I cannot stand two people talking at one time. My in my ears, the whole. But hey, that's us. Deal with it. Uh, the speaker began to divigate from the main topic, confusing the audience. It's like our whole thing. Um divigate.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Divagate. I feel like we do a lot of divigating on overthinking.

SPEAKER_05 25:28

We could have named this podcast divagate. Divigate. Yeah. It would look like divigate.

SPEAKER_01 25:32

People would think it's divigate.

Listener Questions Begin

SPEAKER_05 25:34

All right. I got some text pulled up.

SPEAKER_01 25:36

Okay.

SPEAKER_05 25:37

Off the top, this one's not a huge question, but um somebody said, Hey, are you guys releasing weekly, bi-weekly episodes now? Yes, we are. Yeah. This comes out every week now. Oh for a while we were doing, we had Patreon episodes and then a monthly. Every week.

SPEAKER_01 25:57

Then we renamed and relaunched the podcast. And overthinkings always come out weekly.

SPEAKER_05 26:02

Has had technical issues for weeks.

SPEAKER_01 26:04

This is what happens with a without a production team.

unknown 26:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:07

You're looking at uh every single part of this podcast right now.

Intimacy With Different Sex Drives

SPEAKER_05 26:13

Let's try and go in order so that the people who've been waiting longest get their time. Hi, Joe and Matt. You guys mentioned your sex episodes and potentially talking about that again. Would love if you guys talked about ways you show affection to increase intimacy when partners have different drives. I know you mentioned showering together, but would love to hear other ways to build that intimacy.

SPEAKER_01 26:32

We're terrible at this.

SPEAKER_05 26:33

Yeah, it's not our forte.

SPEAKER_01 26:35

I actually don't have an answer.

SPEAKER_05 26:36

Yeah. Show's like I'm trying.

SPEAKER_01 26:39

I feel like nothing we've ever established has uh stuck. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 26:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:47

Like we tried to do walks in the morning after the kids went to school.

SPEAKER_05 26:52

Which we've just had a tough time pulling off.

SPEAKER_01 26:54

And it doesn't, we don't stick to it.

SPEAKER_05 26:57

The app was decent.

SPEAKER_01 26:59

Oh yeah. We used an app.

SPEAKER_05 27:01

We used a couple actually.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

Yeah, that was cool. What was that called?

SPEAKER_05 27:05

Um paired?

SPEAKER_01 27:07

I think it was paired. Uh and there was another one, but I don't I don't remember.

SPEAKER_05 27:12

There's a couple different ones out.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

It's one of those apps that you both have it and then it asks both of you questions and then it rates your questions against each other, but you stopped using it, and then I got resentful because I was still answering questions every single day, and then it ended up being like days and days and days and then weeks, and there was one that had more of a like, if you didn't do it that day, you lost it.

SPEAKER_05 27:37

And I felt that worked a little bit better, like that created a little more urgency for me. Because there were two apps, remember?

SPEAKER_01 27:45

I do remember there were two. I don't remember one happening.

SPEAKER_05 27:48

One had longer questions and stuff. They for me, I had like they took a lot of thinking, and I wasn't doing well with that. I wasn't well engaged, and so level eight mysterious. Yeah, I feel like I could I would probably do better with it now, where I've changed medications and had some time to work out some things. But at that time, I was like, these are too deep for me.

SPEAKER_01 28:08

I don't it'd be like, what do you like? Matt would be like, oh no.

SPEAKER_05 28:12

That's one of the hardest questions for me to answer. But there are a couple apps out there. We're not great at it. We've we've tried different things. The shower is our go-to, I think.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

I feel like that's something that's really stuck and it's consistent, and it's having intentional time with one another every single day.

SPEAKER_05 28:31

Yeah, and it's just I think it's finding time that doesn't have a lot of pressure around it, that doesn't have that's not loaded, that you can just be. And if there's an activity you can do with that where you can still where it's focused on, whether it's making breakfast together or prepping food together or something. Like a walk's a great answer. Like if you have a good time, a walk, exercise in some capacity, but I think a lot of times it's hard. Yeah, us driving is one of the better as long as somebody doesn't have work to do on the phone.

SPEAKER_01 28:58

I think it can be really hard because a lot of people's time after becoming parents where they don't have kids and they don't have work to do is the evenings.

SPEAKER_05 29:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:09

And so being in your own house, you tend I tend to focus on the dishes need to be done and the laundry needs to be folded and picking up needs to happen, or I have work to do on my phone. When we're at our house, I'm really bad at sitting down. And I really enjoy the nights where we sit down and we just sit on the couch and we're just talking.

SPEAKER_05 29:29

Yeah, I I had this thought like when we drive places, I feel like it's a really good one because I have so like if I'm driving, I can focus on driving, but the conversation is still like the primary driver. And so it's not something where you have this pressure of like focused on each other, but you can still have a conversation and talk it out. And I think you could find that in different ways. If it's laundry, like you just both do laundry, but you don't turn the TV on. And like if you can just do 10, 20 minutes of something like that, and so many people watch shows as they're shared time.

SPEAKER_01 30:04

I think it's really important to do something that's not that where you're engaging with one another, not that you can't discuss after. And I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 30:11

If you're really good about like if it's a show that you watch and critique together or have conversations with, but I don't think that's common.

SPEAKER_01 30:18

I don't think it's about the discussion about the show. I think to at least for me, cultivating intimacy and comfort with you has a lot more to do with open-ended time.

SPEAKER_05 30:32

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:33

So it's not something where we have a topic that we're hitting. Like that's why the time in the car or like in the shower, or if we were folding laundry together with no TV on, no podcast, no anything. It's on us to explore what we're feeling in that moment and discuss from there, not depending on an outside source to fuel the communication.

SPEAKER_05 30:58

Okay. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. I just think if you can have something where you're not locked in on each other.

SPEAKER_02 31:05

Totally.

SPEAKER_05 31:05

Because I think that builds an intensity that makes it hard to personally. I'm speaking personally.

SPEAKER_00 31:10

I was about to say, for you, like you'll want that very, yeah.

Things We Refuse To Learn

SPEAKER_05 31:13

But if if you're dealing with a dynamic like ours, I think the less focus you can put on it while still having a dedicated time and space is is better. Um let's get to another one. Hi guys, first off, I hope everyone's doing okay or as okay as you can be following the loss of Bogie. Hope okay, hope, I hope Oko is doing okay too. Second, what are three things you both refuse to learn due to not making any sense? Heard this topic on the radio, I thought it was hilarious. Examples would be like learning how credit scores work, how CDs work, etc.

SPEAKER_01 31:47

Bluetooth.

SPEAKER_05 31:48

That was gonna be my answer. Yeah, Bluetooth. I know science stuff. Radio waves in general.

SPEAKER_01 31:54

Okay, Bluetooth. Umcean.

SPEAKER_05 32:03

Say more. Why like why or what?

SPEAKER_01 32:08

Not why, just why can't we separate it? Like why we can't.

SPEAKER_05 32:17

It's just a pain in the ass.

SPEAKER_01 32:20

Yeah. I just this is why it doesn't make any sense, and I don't care to learn about it. Salt in the ocean.

SPEAKER_05 32:27

Why is all water not fresh water? Is that what you're getting at?

SPEAKER_01 32:30

Or what yeah, I don't care. I don't we don't need to expand past that because it's something that I don't care to know about.

SPEAKER_03 32:38

Don't give a shit.

SPEAKER_01 32:39

And like, why do people use it for their pools rather than, you know, I just sanitary. Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:48

It has chlorine in it. It's chlorinated naturally. That's why.

SPEAKER_01 32:54

Okay, this is not gonna be fun with you because you like to know everything and you're like not Bluetooth, not radio. That's not true.

SPEAKER_05 33:01

Trust me, I have looked into it and I'm just like, I don't I don't get it. Something magic is happening inside that machine. Like, I don't know how they figured it out. I don't know. I have seen graphs, I've seen charts, I've seen explanations, I've read, and I'm just like, I don't, nope, not for me.

SPEAKER_01 33:20

What else? Give me, give me one of yours.

SPEAKER_05 33:23

Oh man. That's a good question. Because I do like to learn so many things.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

I know.

SPEAKER_05 33:31

Um I feel like this is gonna be more things that I've tried to learn about and I just don't. Electricity. Like how it how it does.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

You know so much about like I do and I don't think you against any common person off the street. I'm gonna put my money on you knowing more about electricity than them.

SPEAKER_05 33:58

That's probably just because my friends are electrical engineers, so like they really know electricity. And my dad worked in high voltage substations, so like he also knows how electricity works, like, really works.

SPEAKER_01 34:10

Yeah, and he's lost me already. Man, like the magic- I think everything's gonna catch on fire.

SPEAKER_05 34:17

Maybe it's just mysterious to me. How the little electronics and stuff, like I can look in on a circuit board and be like, that's that thing, and that's that thing, but how they work, not so much. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:33

Uh what else? Supply chain.

SPEAKER_05 34:39

What do you mean? I feel like you have a really good grasp on supply chain.

SPEAKER_01 34:43

Yeah, and yet, I think you have a really good grasp on electricity.

SPEAKER_05 34:48

That's fair. That's fair. You have a respect for supply chain. I'll give you that.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

A major respect for supply chain.

SPEAKER_05 34:54

I I'm glad that at least if you're not going to learn about supply chain, you're like, I respect that it is complicated.

SPEAKER_01 35:01

It's wild. Like two-day shipping as a concept is bananas, and we are so used to our grocery stores being full and everything being stocked and year round. When you exactly when you talk about from farm to your kitchen, crazy.

SPEAKER_05 35:21

Raw materials come across the ocean. Right. Finished products come across the ocean.

SPEAKER_01 35:25

Right.

SPEAKER_05 35:26

There is not a fast way to get across the ocean. There, I mean planes, but most stuff is not shipped by plane.

SPEAKER_01 35:31

Right.

SPEAKER_05 35:31

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Anyway, I'm gonna say supply chain.

SPEAKER_05 35:34

And stuff is like four dollars. Like that's impossible.

SPEAKER_01 35:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 35:37

How is stuff cheap?

SPEAKER_01 35:39

I know.

SPEAKER_05 35:40

Scale, but like it's incomprehensible.

SPEAKER_01 35:43

And how big are those boats? They're so big.

SPEAKER_05 35:45

They're crazy big. As we know from the Strait of Hormuz.

SPEAKER_01 35:52

What?

SPEAKER_05 35:52

That's that's where Iran is not letting ships through.

SPEAKER_01 35:55

Oh the Strait of Hormouth.

SPEAKER_05 35:57

Got it, got it, gotta big boats with oil.

SPEAKER_01 35:59

Yep, nip, yep, yep.

SPEAKER_05 36:00

There's also big boats, big boats with stuff.

SPEAKER_01 36:01

Yeah, gotta go. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 36:04

Yeah. But yeah, they're so big. They're so big.

SPEAKER_01 36:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 36:08

Um, man, what's another thing?

SPEAKER_01 36:10

I did all mine. I did all three of mine. Mine are Bluetooth, salt water, and supply chain.

SPEAKER_05 36:16

Salt water is hilarious. I love salt water. Like, you don't even know what you don't want to know about it. You're just like, nope.

SPEAKER_01 36:23

It doesn't make sense to me. Like, why is the ocean salty? And I'm not asking you to answer the question. You're like, I'd rather not know. Like, why is it salty? Why is it a natural? Like, I just there are a lot of things about it that I don't really care to look into, but it does.

SPEAKER_05 36:39

Yeah. My problem is when I have something like that, then I'm like, uh, but I gotta know.

SPEAKER_01 36:45

I've never once had to know. I'm like, that's crazy.

SPEAKER_05 36:47

Yeah. You're you're much better at that. Cause yeah. There is stuff though. I feel like there's definitely stuff. Yeah, my problem is definitely that when I don't know something, I have to look it up. And there's so few things that are Bluetooth is one though. It really is.

SPEAKER_00 37:05

Bluetooth's a really good one.

SPEAKER_05 37:06

Radio waves in general. Like they travel through the air and they carry information. I don't like it's frequencies and they break the frequencies down. Yeah, it's like vinyl, like vinyl's that way. Like, and I I get that it travels the distance. It's just I don't know how you can pack that much sound information.

SPEAKER_01 37:24

Vinyl, I've made my own uh okay.

SPEAKER_05 37:27

You've got an explanation. I'd love to hear it.

SPEAKER_01 37:29

No, you know, because it's not real and it makes it make sense in my head, and that's all I need.

SPEAKER_05 37:34

Can I hear it?

SPEAKER_01 37:35

No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_05 37:37

That's okay. You'll hold it privileged.

SPEAKER_01 37:38

You'll hold it above my head the rest of our lives.

SPEAKER_05 37:41

I don't know if you're close to right.

SPEAKER_01 37:42

Okay, no way. I know I'm not, but that's okay, because to me I am, and I'm ready for the next message.

SPEAKER_05 37:51

Got it. Okay. I love that you're just completely holding this information over me. Next one. A few episodes back, I remember you talking about how much you love color, and I thought I'd share this game I stumbled across. I 100% thought I'd crush my husband, but boy was I wrong. He could consistently score better than me. He could consistently score better than me. The game shows you a color and you have to memorize it in five seconds and match it, and you get five colors. Fun exercise, good competition. Hope you enjoy.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

What's it called?

SPEAKER_05 38:20

Didn't say.

unknown 38:21

Oh!

SPEAKER_05 38:25

I didn't didn't read through this before I read it. So um we'll look that up and I'm gonna get trounced. All right. We've ran this thing long enough. Let's get a voicemail in and uh get out of here.

Parenting With ADHD In Mind

SPEAKER_02 38:37

Okay. Hi, Joe and Matt. I wanted to ask about uh Matt's ADHD diagnosis. So I am the youngest daughter of a household filled with people who were unmedicated, ADHD, ADV, like their whole lives. And so they never had me tested. They just all assumed that I did, and that I would just develop the coping skills without you know getting medicated. So I'm in my mid-20s and I'm trying to like navigate that. I was just curious if you guys I know your kids are very young, and so like they may or may not um you know also easy to be like Matt does, but it is also you know largely genetic. I'm just curious if you guys had started to talk about how you would or wouldn't navigate that for your kids so that they don't struggle like Matt did, or if you guys are already you know putting in place like certain coping mechanisms within your home, because I have a big fear that um when I have kids because like I quote unquote coped for so long that like I won't have the sensitivity or like the oversight or really recognize that they're struggling because it's something that like I remember from my childhood, but I don't want to do the same things to them. So I was just curious if you guys had started evaluating that, and if so, like where you guys stood on it and what you discovered.

SPEAKER_05 40:03

Thanks also making me emotional. It's making me I could hear that.

SPEAKER_01 40:09

It's making you emotional.

SPEAKER_05 40:10

I could hear they were emotional talking about the kids part of it.

SPEAKER_01 40:13

So I'm like, oh man. I'm gonna cry because you're cry.

SPEAKER_05 40:19

You start, you start.

SPEAKER_01 40:20

Okay, yeah. Uh I think that's a really thoughtful question, and I can't look at you.

SPEAKER_05 40:27

Can't look at them. I wasn't prepared for that. I didn't know you know the things that make me cry are like people caring about their families. Yeah, like just in general, like people loving people.

SPEAKER_01 40:38

I really have thought about this at length. It's been really interesting listening to Matt and his experiences in his household. I think with our kids thus far, there are behaviors that we've noticed from the time they're very little that could indicate being neurodivergent, which would not be surprising given their genetic material. And, you know, it's something that we'll navigate as we go. And I feel like we are very comfortable and prepared to talk to people who specialize in these things, whether that's therapists or I don't know, anybody that we would need to talk to. And I also think being mindful of it and being mindful of how we talk about some of the results from being a neurodivergent person. So, for example, I think a lot of people who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD are told to just do this, or you're being lazy, or you're not committing yourself, you're not applying yourself. You're so smart if you just XYZ. And I really think simply removing a lot of those phrases and trying to alleviate a lot of the shame that comes with some of the hurdles that are acquired navigating this world with ADHD are my biggest goals. And then attempting to give them tools that help whatever their struggles may be.

SPEAKER_05 42:23

Sure.

SPEAKER_01 42:25

Something I'm really thinking about a lot is I want to be mindful to not project the things Matt struggled with onto them or the things I've struggled with onto them, because I do feel like that's something that happened in my household growing up, where maybe my parents were trying to relate to me and make me feel seen. And instead, when they told me, Oh, well, I struggle with that too, I'm like this. I was like, Oh, okay, I'm like that.

SPEAKER_05 42:53

And I just adopted that view of myself, or even telling you, hey, this is why you feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 42:58

Totally.

SPEAKER_05 42:58

And it might not be why you feel that way.

SPEAKER_00 43:01

Totally.

SPEAKER_05 43:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:02

Yep. Okay. I would like to hear your sure absolutely to comfort you.

SPEAKER_05 43:06

I think the fact that you're thinking about it, I think the fact that you're worried about it, you will be attuned to your kid. Like, I think if anything, that gives you a better um radar for understanding like what they go through. And so I'd like to make you feel better and be like, you're probably gonna be good at this, and like you're gonna have a better sense of it. The thing you do need to watch out for is going, this is what my situation was like, here's what they need. And you're gonna have to react to what is my kid actually showing me in terms of what they need, and what am I using my own experience to try and you have to be the parent they need, not the parent you needed. And that's that's not new advice. The hardest part of parenting. It's it's really hard because we all have this idea of how our childhoods could have been a certain way or What would have been good for us, and you see so much of yourself in your kids, often I do. Like, I I know we have our daughters really similar to me. And I'm like, okay, I get a lot of what you're going through, and I don't have the tools to handle it, but that also can give you the ability to work on it together, like truly together. And like, I don't have these skills, don't feel bad you don't have these skills. I will work on it with you, and we will get better. Um and that's like that's that's I think a big part of it. Medication doesn't come into play until later.

SPEAKER_01 44:39

And so I'm pretty anti-medication for kids early in childhood for sure. Like, I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 44:46

Yeah. Well, it's more like adulthood where medication I think is in play more. And medication's been important for me because I didn't learn a lot of things. That's hopefully, yeah. Because I didn't learn a lot of things or I didn't build systems for myself, and I didn't have that modeled for me. That's it's been helpful for me trying to build that for myself. The idea being if we can teach people along the way, if we can be attuned to the needs of our kids as they need them, then maybe we can have interventions that mean they don't have to figure everything else out on their own.

SPEAKER_03 45:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 45:21

Because yeah, it's it's challenging for sure. And there's definitely traits. I'm again, speaking from personal experience, I'm like, I get that idea. And you don't want to like self-diagnose anything way too early because so many things that are like, this is a sign of autism, this is a sign of ADHD, are also normal ass two-year-old, four-year-old, six-year-old. And you need to have professional people involved before you do any kind of diagnosing. You can adjust your parenting style in ways that work and don't work, and you can read and learn about different things. Like we've had to do different things that were like, hey, this works for some kids, but not other kids. Like, not our kids. This works for our kids, not other kids.

SPEAKER_01 45:59

And our each of our kids has been way different, too.

SPEAKER_05 46:04

Absolutely. And so it's doing that. It's not, but never diagnosing until there seems to be a need for diagnosing and has to be intervention from somebody else. And we haven't gotten to that point for sure with any of that.

SPEAKER_01 46:17

And we also, I don't know that this is an intentional choice that we make, but we don't talk to our kids about like you having ADHD or trying to define some of those things because I don't think it's necessarily age appropriate. Not that it's a secret, that's not what I mean either. But I just don't think it is.

SPEAKER_05 46:38

I'd rather talk about things that I'm good at and things that I struggle at, and not necessarily putting a label or a name on any of it. Exactly. That starts to like, I think that gives them the opportunity to sort themselves in a way that's not necessary, as opposed to just being like, this is something you're good at, this is something you're not good at. And to go to that, even things I think so much of it is positive talk. And we've, I think we talked about this a couple weeks ago, but just being like, you are good at this, even if they're not that great at it, but they tried and they learned, and you want to reinforce like because some of them are not.

SPEAKER_01 47:13

And you don't have to tell them they're good at something they're not, you can tell them you are so resilient and good at continuing to try. You are gonna be better at that so soon because of how good you are at putting effort into something.

SPEAKER_05 47:26

Yeah. But uh, even if you aren't not lying to them, but I'm really big about that. I don't but when they show an example of doing a behavior well, it's like you are good at that. Good job. Yeah, and then they can have that self-talk of I can do that, I am good at this, and that can reinforce itself. And so it's making choices like that, I think, that's much more important than having a diagnosis ready to go.

SPEAKER_00 47:53

Completely agree.

SPEAKER_05 47:54

So good luck. You're in tune to it, you're worried about it, you're gonna do a good job.

Rate Review And Goodbye

SPEAKER_01 47:59

Yes, yes, yes, yes. So on that note, yeah, rate, review, follow us, uh, text us, leave an email, etc., etc. etc. We love you. Bye.