Slowing Down Time and Parallel Universes

Time feels like it’s flying, so we talk about how novelty, learning, and memory shape the way and speed life moves. We also wrestle with influencer power dynamics, everyday parenting chaos, and the relationship tools that help us disagree without trying to win. 

Join us this week as we get into:

• Seeking new experiences to make time feel slower 
• How our memories work differently and why prompts matter 
• Busy seasons of parenting and marriage and what slips first 
• Influencer responsibility and why punching down feels so gross 
• Sentimental gold jewelry after a gold allergy and realistic options 
• Toddler laundry strategies like soaking OxyClean borax and vinegar 
• Respectful conflict basics like assuming good intent and naming goals 
• Using recordings to reality-check tone perception and repair faster 

Rate, review, send us a voicemail, write us an email. We love to hear from you! 

If you've got a thought to share or are looking for a bit of advice on something, leave us a voicemail at the link below!

https://www.speakpipe.com/overthinkingpod

If you'd like to message us you can use the email below or the text link at the top overthinking@theoverbys.com

CONNECT:
TikTok: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Instagram: @jojohnsonoverby / @matt.overby
Website:  https://jojohnsonoverby.com/

Transcript

Why Time Feels Faster

SPEAKER_05 0:07

Yeah, it's time.

SPEAKER_02 0:08

It's time.

SPEAKER_05 0:09

It's time.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

I feel like this year's flying by.

SPEAKER_05 0:14

Uh, it's May, yes.

SPEAKER_02 0:15

Like we're halfway through.

SPEAKER_05 0:17

I feel like we've recorded like four episodes of this, but we started in February.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

I don't feel like I'm learning enough new things, and so life's going by too quickly.

SPEAKER_05 0:26

It's learn your learning is what's holding you back. Yeah. Or what's keeping what's making time go fast.

SPEAKER_02 0:33

Well, that's why when you're a kid, everything seems so much slower.

SPEAKER_05 0:37

Oh.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

It's because you're learning a bunch of new things. So you're like utilizing your brain. There's like a study about this.

SPEAKER_05 0:43

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

So you're learning all of these new things every day. And as we get older, we get more set in our ways and comfortable, and we stop trying to put ourselves out of our comfort zone and learn new things because it's expected culturally that as we get older, we like know stuff rather than being a beginner at something and learning something.

SPEAKER_05 1:00

Interesting.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

And so by seeking out new experiences and trying new things as a beginner, it can make time actually feel like it moves slower.

SPEAKER_05 1:09

Okay. You're bringing the science to the table.

SPEAKER_02 1:13

Well, I mean, who knows? Maybe I dreamed that and it's not real.

SPEAKER_05 1:16

That would be on brand.

SPEAKER_02 1:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:18

Yeah. You're like, I had a dream about something.

SPEAKER_02 1:20

I don't even think that's like a TikTok I watched. I think that's an actual like research paper. That I read about, you know, so-and-so university research.

SPEAKER_05 1:29

Well, you read Scientific American.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

Scient Scientific American. I'm actually the president of Scientific American.

SPEAKER_05 1:37

Yeah, you read Scientific American basically every every week. I mean, you try to.

SPEAKER_02 1:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:42

I don't even know if it comes out every week. It's probably like a monthly.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

I don't even know what that is.

SPEAKER_05 1:47

It's fine. It's not important.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 1:49

A periodical about science.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

That makes a ton of sense too.

SPEAKER_05 1:52

I mean, it does make a lot of sense. You know, you can work your brain or you can work your body.

SPEAKER_02 1:56

It's that thing that I'm really good with time. And I'm good with time because I tie it to different things. Like I can connect when things happened really well. Got it. I don't remember anything in terms of details, but I remember like where we were, or if you talk to me about something, I can tell you when that was.

SPEAKER_05 2:16

Got it. Yeah, you do track time well. I can't track time at all. But I'm really good.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Like, usually if you tell me a song, I can tell you within two years.

SPEAKER_05 2:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:28

Usually I'm spot on, but sometimes.

SPEAKER_05 2:31

Yeah, I can you can be like, what color was your first grade classroom's floor? And if you prompt it, I'll remember that. But really? Yeah.

unknown 2:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:43

What color was your first grade classroom floor?

SPEAKER_05 2:46

Is that regular tiled, like marbled white color that doesn't look like a gray and white mix tile?

SPEAKER_01 2:53

What I don't even have words.

SPEAKER_05 2:58

Oh.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

That's insane.

SPEAKER_05 3:01

Okay.

unknown 3:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 3:02

Again, I have no recall. I couldn't come up with that on my own, but if somebody prompted, people can prompt things. But not really time. Time doesn't work that way for me.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

That's crazy. People ask me, I'm like, I have no I have nothing to offer you.

SPEAKER_05 3:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:19

I remember like three things from sixth grade.

SPEAKER_05 3:22

Sixth, okay, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:24

As an 11-year-old. Yeah. Uh this girl in my class and I liked the same boy. Okay. And they ended up sixth grade dating. Yeah. And uh it hurt my feelings. Just to not be chosen hurt my feelings.

SPEAKER_04 3:43

That's fair.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

Uh I had an instructor, a teacher, whatever, named Mr. Wiley, who shared a room with Mrs., don't remember. And uh they swapped, like swapped out one of them, taught Latin, and then I don't really remember what Mr. Wiley taught.

SPEAKER_05 4:02

So you don't remember what your teacher taught.

SPEAKER_02 4:04

We learned Latin in that classroom, and there was a little figure that they made. Somebody in our grade made, and it was a supposed to be a stick figure going, look, see, Eke.

SPEAKER_05 4:16

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:17

Uh that was sixth grade. Oh, actually, that may have been seventh grade. I don't know. Like it's it's so limited. Yeah, you're you're and I don't have any details like on the liking the same boy situation. I don't even remember if that's really what it was. I just remember one of the teachers like saying something to me about it and me being like, that was weird.

SPEAKER_05 4:44

I heard the teachers talking to you about this. I don't that's weird.

SPEAKER_02 4:47

I don't remember. That's what I remember.

SPEAKER_05 4:49

Fair enough. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

I have nothing.

SPEAKER_05 4:53

Yeah. We just have you know, different, different biases in eighth grade.

SPEAKER_02 4:57

I remember when my mom was having brain surgery. I do actually remember like pulling out my phone and looking at it and getting my phone taken away. Don't remember that teacher's name. It was I don't remember what class uh physics. Physics. I think it was physics. Um, I started high school when I was 11 and I was in like high school classes for anybody. And my mom was having brain surgery. My parents sent me to school anyway. I pulled out my little Nokia brick to get the update. And man, I wish I could remember his name. He was an older teacher.

SPEAKER_05 5:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:34

And he used to be the swim coach like long before I was a student there.

SPEAKER_03 5:40

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 5:40

I think if I that might not even be right. Anyway, he took my phone and I was like, my mom's having brain surgery, and he was like, haha, nice, try. And he took my phone and I took my. I don't remember if I got like ISS or if I just had my phone taken away and I collected it at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_05 6:00

I think you could get it at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_02 6:01

I have absolutely no idea on the details of that story, but I just remember him taking my phone. And I remember him apologizing to me because he ran into my dad at the school a couple like like a month later. Yeah. He's like, You'll never guess what your daughter like this is so unlike her. Listen to what she tried to pull. And my dad had to be like, oh. Her mom was actually having she was in brain surgery. Brain surgery. And the instructor was like, Why did you send her to school? He's like, Well, where else were we gonna take her?

SPEAKER_05 6:33

Yeah, yeah, good times. You have a couple stories in that vein.

SPEAKER_02 6:39

Mm-hmm. That was eighth grade.

SPEAKER_05 6:40

Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 6:42

I think that's the only thing I remember from eighth grade.

SPEAKER_05 6:44

That's it.

SPEAKER_02 6:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 6:46

Okay. Fair enough.

SPEAKER_02 6:48

I know I've seen pictures from us going to a school dance because they let us as eighth graders go to the high school homecoming.

SPEAKER_05 6:54

That's weird.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Or loyalty.

SPEAKER_05 6:56

Like if you were invited.

unknown 6:58

No.

SPEAKER_05 6:58

No, just you were okay.

SPEAKER_02 7:00

Like, not like we were invited by other because we were students of the high school.

unknown 7:04

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 7:05

Even though we were eighth grade. Your program.

SPEAKER_02 7:08

Yeah, they didn't just let like any eighth. Any eighth grade.

SPEAKER_05 7:11

I was imagining that like they just had the whole thing.

SPEAKER_02 7:13

Open open to all eighth graders of Springfield Public Schools.

SPEAKER_05 7:16

Well, I don't know about all the schools, but specifically yours. I was like weird.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Well, mine was central high school. Like that's where I went. And so I know I've seen pictures of us going, and I I do remember from looking at the pictures that I got to borrow my dress from a friend's older sister, and I felt really cool.

SPEAKER_05 7:34

Very cool. Super cool.

SPEAKER_02 7:36

Now that you guys know all of my memories, what a weird intro.

SPEAKER_05 7:40

That's so weird.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

All right, I'm gonna not talk the rest of the episode because when I listen back to all that, I'm gonna be embarrassed.

SPEAKER_05 7:47

I mean, you crushed that science bit right at the beginning. We can clip all the memory stuff. Then it'll just be science.

SPEAKER_02 7:53

It was that bad.

SPEAKER_05 7:54

No, just if you're embarrassed. I want to go. I want you to go.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

No, we should definitely leave it in because it's so exceptional.

SPEAKER_05 8:01

Honestly, it's the best part of the podcast so far. Um, I mean, you can, I'm sure you you'll do even better things as we go.

SPEAKER_01 8:09

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

Words of affirmation. Yes. Two out of ten. Oh I mean, that's better than usual.

SPEAKER_05 8:17

Yep. Better than a better than a DNF. So fair enough. What have we been doing?

Parent Life And No Sleep

SPEAKER_05 8:24

What are we up to this week?

SPEAKER_02 8:25

Uh getting ready to, you know, sail away on our month of our month is crazy.

SPEAKER_05 8:34

It's bananas town.

SPEAKER_02 8:36

It's back to back to back. Chaos, it's good. We'll fill you in as we go.

SPEAKER_05 8:41

Sure. Last we recorded, we were we had a big week ahead of us. It's, you know, the week is past now.

SPEAKER_02 8:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:47

How'd I do?

SPEAKER_02 8:48

How'd you do it?

SPEAKER_05 8:49

Getting stuff ready.

SPEAKER_02 8:50

I think good.

SPEAKER_05 8:51

Yeah.

unknown 8:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 8:52

Trying to pick up the house. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:54

I haven't really. Matt and I have not talked to each other. Like this is the first time Matt and I have sat down to see each other since we recorded the last episode.

SPEAKER_05 9:03

That's, I think, accurate.

SPEAKER_02 9:05

I know.

SPEAKER_05 9:05

That's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 9:06

And we see each other, you know. But it's been very like ships in the night kind of, which is something that people do not adequately explain when entering parenthood.

SPEAKER_05 9:20

Oh, yeah. And honestly, even marriage in general. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 9:25

There are seasons that are very like I would consider us people who spend a lot of time together and we spend a lot of intentional time together.

SPEAKER_05 9:35

We do all right.

SPEAKER_02 9:36

You know, like we try to do a regular date night. We try to catch up at night. Like, we haven't even been doing our usual catch up at night that we always do.

SPEAKER_05 9:46

No, I've been staying up until uh 2 to 2 30 in the morning most of this week.

SPEAKER_02 9:51

Right after a few weeks ago, you said you were gonna get your sleep under control.

SPEAKER_05 9:53

Oh no, my sleep is worse than ever. That's pretty on brand for me, though. And once I set my mind to it, it falls completely apart. Well, that's not really setting my mind to it. Once I think about it, then my brain's like, watch this shit. And uh we derail entirely.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Oh well, yeah, no, it's good. I give you like a seven out of ten from what I know about the prep that's been done. From the house. Yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_05 10:17

That's I was gonna give myself a C minus. So that's a seven out of ten, right?

SPEAKER_01 10:21

Yeah, no, that's exactly right.

SPEAKER_05 10:22

Yeah, nailed it. Yeah, I think that's fair.

SPEAKER_01 10:25

But saying it as a C minus instead of a seven out of ten actually sounds way worse.

SPEAKER_05 10:30

Yeah, that does kind of imply that like you're aiming for you're almost failing. Yeah, just above a D, which is how I feel about it. But yeah, if we were going percentage-wise, yeah, we need to be able to do it.

SPEAKER_02 10:41

If we're going on a A to F scale, I'm gonna give it like a B minus.

SPEAKER_05 10:48

Okay. If I'm being generous, I think a solid C.

SPEAKER_02 10:51

Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_05 10:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

I don't think that's generous.

SPEAKER_05 10:54

Well, it's generous for me.

SPEAKER_02 10:55

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 10:56

You know how I am.

SPEAKER_02 10:57

Uh, I don't know what else is going on.

Energy Drinks And DIY Haircuts

SPEAKER_02 11:00

What are you drinking? Should we just start there? I am actually terrified by what you're drinking. Oh, wait, do you still yeah, I know you're still drinking.

SPEAKER_05 11:07

Yeah, mine's the ghost, the sour strips one or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

No, show the can to the camera. I know most people can't see this, but if you've never seen these drinks, these ghost brand energy drinks, they look like a child designed them.

SPEAKER_05 11:20

Did you know there's a seven up one and it's delicious? No, yeah, there it is.

SPEAKER_02 11:25

That's cool.

SPEAKER_05 11:25

I've only seen it in one place. They're good though. Like they're most of them are really good.

SPEAKER_02 11:29

They're good drinks. Yeah. And I but they look like they're gonna kill you.

SPEAKER_05 11:33

They do look they really pop.

SPEAKER_02 11:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 11:35

And they have a ghost on there, which the imagery they're kind of silly goofy. I feel like it kind of makes you well, yeah. They're a silly ghost, like they're a silly ghost, but I feel like just saying ghost means like implies that it might kill you.

SPEAKER_02 11:48

Mm-hmm. Okay. I have a rock star, which is my first caffeine in like since you saw me crack a drink, I think, on the podcast again. I've had a weird week.

SPEAKER_05 12:01

But a very weird week. You've been busy, like out of the house busy. That's been a big part of it.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah. And so and a lot of meetings. Like I've been on my computer a lot.

SPEAKER_05 12:11

Business early. I don't know. Business early. Bizdev Joe.

SPEAKER_02 12:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:15

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

And I got my nails done. So I also did it. Oh, and I cut my own hair.

SPEAKER_05 12:20

You did cut your own hair again. Was that this week?

SPEAKER_02 12:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 12:24

Oh my gosh. Life is I don't know what's happening.

SPEAKER_02 12:29

Sailing by?

SPEAKER_05 12:30

Yeah, you cut your own hair. Well, I I helped a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 12:33

You helped.

SPEAKER_05 12:34

Just chopped a teensy bit off the end.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Do you think you would ever cut your own hair?

SPEAKER_05 12:38

No. No.

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Would you let me cut your hair?

SPEAKER_05 12:42

I'd let you cut my hair.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

Really? Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 12:44

Yeah. I trust you with like almost anything.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 12:49

Yeah, for sure. I I wouldn't cut my own because I can't see most of it.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

I'm actually really shocked to hear that.

SPEAKER_05 12:55

Yeah, I feel like if nothing else, it'd be funny. I would probably film it if you cut my hair.

SPEAKER_02 13:02

Yeah, I think it's a good one.

SPEAKER_05 13:03

I feel like that's safe. It either turns out good.

SPEAKER_02 13:05

Okay, enough job. I think that I am risk-averse enough that having me do a haircut, it may not be the best, but I'm not gonna take it so far that it's the worst.

SPEAKER_05 13:15

Yeah, I don't think it would be the worst.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

I'm gonna be mindful of leaving it recoverable.

SPEAKER_05 13:20

Yeah. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:21

For sure, for sure.

SPEAKER_05 13:22

I do feel like you're not. I feel like you'd be scared of clippers and stuff, though.

SPEAKER_02 13:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 13:28

Anytime I've asked you to like trim my neck up, you're terrified that you're gonna like slice into my, and I'm like, that's not how these work.

SPEAKER_02 13:34

That's how I was taught they work.

SPEAKER_05 13:36

Well, you were taught that basically everything in your home would kill you.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yes.

SPEAKER_05 13:40

And that's not exactly accurate.

SPEAKER_02 13:41

And undoing that is really, I don't know if I ever will. It's crazy. Like the I have a deep reaction to things like in my, you know. On like a in my body, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 13:56

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 13:56

On a physical level.

SPEAKER_05 13:58

Outside of your body would be crazy.

SPEAKER_02 14:00

Well, I just mean that I'm not trying to control outside aspects. Like I try not to react in a way where I'm trying to control others or other aspects. I try to keep it to me.

SPEAKER_05 14:13

But it creates a big internal stress response.

SPEAKER_02 14:16

I don't use trimmers for anything.

SPEAKER_05 14:19

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Because they they freak me out.

SPEAKER_05 14:21

But you do use a razor.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

I use a razor, and I'm damn good with a razor.

SPEAKER_05 14:26

You are good with a razor. I'm just saying, like a razor is way more likely to cut you.

SPEAKER_02 14:30

Yeah, but not in my like my mind isn't. I understand what you're saying. Sure. And I know that to be true as a fact, and yet don't know.

SPEAKER_05 14:41

I mean, it's fine. I I have plenty of things that are not rational. I trimmed the dog.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Yep.

SPEAKER_05 14:47

It's one of my better one of my best cuts.

SPEAKER_01 14:50

You're getting better.

SPEAKER_05 14:51

I replaced the trimmer blade. That was huge. And got one that was long enough that I didn't have to put a comb on it.

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_05 14:56

Because using a comb with our dog is it's not good. He barely tried to bite me.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

Love that.

SPEAKER_05 15:03

Yeah. Only when I tried to trim his legs. If anyone has tips on how to trim my dog's legs without him snapping at me, hit me up because it's the one part of the thing, one part of the grooming that he just does not abide.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Are you ready to jump into the everything else of today?

SPEAKER_05 15:22

Just the rest of our you digress. I hadn't even gotten to moving cabinets today.

Cabinets Box Truck Office Plans

SPEAKER_02 15:28

Oh, okay. Sorry. I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_05 15:29

I've been moving cabinets for the office.

SPEAKER_02 15:31

I thought that might come up later. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 15:33

Got it, got it, got it. I was just trying to recap. No, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 15:35

You're so right. You're so right. I uh don't cut me off.

SPEAKER_05 15:39

I've got 25 more minutes of what I've been up to.

unknown 15:41

Okay. No.

SPEAKER_05 15:44

Have you seen this bruise?

SPEAKER_02 15:46

No.

SPEAKER_05 15:46

Yeah. What did you do? Tried to catch it. It just smoked my arm.

SPEAKER_02 15:50

Let's give people context. Okay. Uh, we have a dear friend that owns an incredible party store. And at her old shop, they had a lot of cabinetry. And when they moved into their new shop, they thought they were going to be able to reuse the cabinetry. They were not able to reuse it.

SPEAKER_04 16:05

Womp womp.

SPEAKER_02 16:06

Womp womp. And so she was looking for what to do with some of that cabinetry because it's a lot. And offered for Matt and I to have it for the little office remodel that he is doing outside of this studio. And we were like, wow, that would be incredible. Thank you. And Matt rented a van, was his plan, and he called and he said, I'm gonna be going it this time. And she uh let Matt know that she, in fact, has a 16-foot hot pink box truck.

SPEAKER_05 16:41

Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:43

And uh Matt got to I've been drive it. I don't know why that wasn't I wasn't having an end to that sentence.

SPEAKER_05 16:51

And tune around town in a 16-foot box truck. It's bright pink. I think in the video, because I've been filming some of it, uh-huh, I'm gonna be like, I'm not gonna mention the business out of respect for their privacy. Oh, but it is labeled all over the place. Basically, every piece of footage is gonna have her business just they've done a great job with the van. Presley Page is the business, did I? I did say it earlier, okay. Sorry. Oh, you didn't say it earlier.

SPEAKER_02 17:21

I'm so sorry. That's so rude of me. Presley Page is the business.

SPEAKER_05 17:24

Shout out to Maggie. Yeah, but um, yeah, I think I think that's gonna be a bit I do where I'm like, I don't want to say who it is, or it'll just be like over my shoulder inside the cab of the truck. Very obvious.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

So no, I've uh yeah, I've Are you feeling inspired to do it?

SPEAKER_05 17:44

Yeah, yeah, definitely more. Now that we have it's a good thing I didn't rent a van. A van was never that was gonna be 75 trips with a van. I did not understand the quantity of cabinets that we were. I didn't even get them all today, ended up just getting one location that they needed gone today, and then the rest, then 80% of the work is still left to go.

SPEAKER_02 18:05

I'm really excited though, because I think that it means my office can have a lot of bookshelves.

SPEAKER_05 18:10

Oh, we can probably make the entire wall a bookshelf at this point.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

I wanna that excites me.

SPEAKER_05 18:17

Yeah, we're gonna have so much plywood too. I want to build speakers. I always wanted to build speakers. You know that about me.

SPEAKER_02 18:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 18:27

It's not a priority.

SPEAKER_02 18:28

Just no, you've been saying that for a really long time. That's true.

SPEAKER_05 18:32

That's true. You're making a face, like, what is wrong with you?

SPEAKER_02 18:35

But no, no, no, there's nothing wrong with you.

SPEAKER_05 18:38

I kind of struggle with my random side quests, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 18:45

Because the main quests don't get done. You're just on the side, everything's a side quest, and you won't accept anything I ask as a side quest.

SPEAKER_05 18:55

Would you believe that's exactly how I play like big RPG games that have side quests? I'm just doing like every side quest.

SPEAKER_01 19:02

Yeah, that checks.

SPEAKER_05 19:04

Took a long time to get anything done.

SPEAKER_01 19:07

I'm seeing that in real life too.

SPEAKER_05 19:12

Bit of a completionist.

SPEAKER_02 19:14

I love that. I mean, live and let live.

James Charles And Creator Obligation

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Would you like to hear about chronically online?

SPEAKER_05 19:20

I would love to hear what's chronically online this week.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

We're a little late to the punch on this, but I think that there's more to talk about with it anyway. There's me and bone. Last week, James Charles. Do you know who James Charles is? Yes. Okay. James Charles made a video on TikTok and posted it. Basically, just completely dysregulated and so angry over somebody DMing him and saying that she had been laid off from Spirit Airlines or lost her job because of whatever's going on with Spirit Airlines and needed some help and wanted to just throw her name in the ring and like put the GoFundMe link out there. And he made this like really wild video being like, Oh, you want me to pay for stuff? Like, why don't you get off your ass and start applying for jobs?

SPEAKER_01 20:18

Good God.

SPEAKER_02 20:19

Alright, so before we talk about this, I just had Matt watch the video because I didn't think I could adequately capture the mania, right? Is that not wild?

SPEAKER_05 20:32

Yeah. I mean, like, I understand some of his shtick has always kind of been like outsized. I feel like anything I've ever seen him in, it's very outsized. Yeah, that makes sense. Personality buys.

SPEAKER_02 20:42

Probably because we're seeing things like this.

SPEAKER_05 20:44

Yeah, I guess. But uh, he really channeled it in a way that is unhinged.

SPEAKER_02 20:49

So people have been stitching it and he took it down, but then he put up another like apology video where he didn't really apologize, I guess, and was going on more about how uh influencers and creators are using it to make him look bad and do think pieces about how terrible influencers and creators are.

SPEAKER_05 21:12

That's an interesting take. I feel like it's hard to make someone look bad if you don't do something that makes you look bad. Well, now people are making me look worse. Now people are pointing out that I did a bad thing.

SPEAKER_02 21:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 21:27

Come on.

SPEAKER_02 21:28

Tell me your thoughts.

SPEAKER_05 21:29

On which part? I mean, it's crazy town.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

I guess I have two different things that I want to know your thoughts on. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_05 21:37

The Mr. Beast part was a little bit funny. Credit where it's due. The Mr. Beast part was funny.

SPEAKER_02 21:45

Yeah. I want to know one, what are your thoughts on creators becoming really big like this and what their obligation is? Because he spoke. The video about how he holds no obligation, but I struggle with that statement because I think creators and influencers have their jobs because they've been supported by the people who follow them. I don't think that means that you owe them to fund their GoFundMe or whatever it is. I do think that it is transactional in nature and you know. So I want to know your thought on that first.

SPEAKER_05 22:25

I I think a huge part of it is like respect and understanding what it means to be even semi-grounded. To some degree, I don't it doesn't bother me if someone isn't ground, like if their uh circumstances have changed their economic stratosphere, then yes, it's gonna be somewhat difficult to stay in touch. Now, some of that responsibility does fall on them to be like, what is the climate of the world? And then some of it is just be kind, just respect other people regardless of what their status is because they're all they're people. Yeah, it's it's hard for me to wrap my mind around just going off on somebody that does that. There are plenty of times that you get sent links and stuff like that, and you can't.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

I mean, I get I don't want to sound like I'm going, I get it, because it's not that at all, but I do around this time of year, it starts and all the way into August. I get anywhere from 20 to 30 Amazon wish lists a day from teachers, which I think teachers deserve to be helped. I always try to fulfill multiple teachers in my area's wish lists, and then I also have close friends that are teachers, and I try to fulfill a few of those, and you know, and I they're shooting their shot. I mean, that's the situation that they're being put in. I don't have I think I struggle more with my feelings of guilt of not responding to a lot of them because I I don't have a staple answer that feels good. Yeah. I'm mindful of if it's somebody that has followed me and that I like recognize their username because we interact on a regular basis, yeah, hell yeah, I'm gonna be up in there and I'm gonna do whatever I can to support them because they are somebody who has continuously supported me. I can think of multiple cases like that. The fact that the world is how it is, I also recognize that I benefit from having a job that has a lot of privilege and things like that.

SPEAKER_05 24:30

Well, your job comes from the fact that you have a large audience. The difficult part of having a large audience is receiving feedback and requests and all of that from that many people.

SPEAKER_02 24:43

Right.

SPEAKER_05 24:43

It's a it's a double-edged sword in terms of how that works. I just can't imagine even if you're frustrated, even if you don't like how it was, even if you have feelings about how it was handled, then going, I've got just this great take that I'm about to fire out there.

SPEAKER_02 24:57

There's such power discrepancy.

SPEAKER_05 24:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

That person doesn't even register that you're gonna see it.

SPEAKER_05 25:03

No, you know people struggle to believe that people online are real.

SPEAKER_01 25:10

A hundred percent.

SPEAKER_05 25:11

That's that's how celebrity culture has always worked.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

It's they think of people online or in celebrity culture as other, like a different type of and there's a bunch of psychological research around it and stuff and how people are perceived. It is absolutely horrible to then utilize the platform you have in order to shame somebody who just lost their job. Like you're talking about somebody that's in a horrible situation.

SPEAKER_05 25:40

Well, yeah, their their company went under a national airline. You see the guy who crowdfunded like a large bid to try and buy Spirit Airlines.

SPEAKER_01 25:51

I did see that.

SPEAKER_05 25:52

Yeah. That's really interesting. I feel like that kind of thing will at some point somebody will take a company out of bankruptcy that way, like crowdfunding it. Because it's just an interesting idea. Because they point out like that's how the Green Bay Packers are, they're publicly owned, more or less. And so you can be a shareholder in the Green Bay Packers. At some point, I feel like, especially with like blockchain and different things like that, there is a way to pool pledges from that many people and try and buy not specifically spared airlines. I don't think that's gonna work, but I feel like some something will happen. So that's kind of cool.

SPEAKER_02 26:29

It is interesting. I think people are definitely at the end of their oh, we're back to capitalism.

SPEAKER_05 26:34

Yes, I wasn't gonna bring it up. I feel like you were gonna shut me down right away if I went into capitalism, but it is a whole thing.

SPEAKER_02 26:40

I mean, yeah, I mean that's just what it is right now. So yeah, that's my chronically online.

SPEAKER_05 26:45

Chronically online, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

It it was a tough week for people.

Punching Down And Letting Chatter Go

SPEAKER_02 26:49

There was also not to, you know, stretch it out, but there was also a content creator who is gonna be on Secret Lives and Mormon Wives.

SPEAKER_05 26:58

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 26:58

The new one. And not so Mormon and not yeah, like and somebody commented on one of her posts and said she's just taking the show so she can pay for this house. Which, like, sure, I I don't even think that's maybe I'm crazy, but I didn't think that was that bad. For I feel like there are a lot worse hate comments to get.

SPEAKER_05 27:18

She's just taking that money so she can use that money and buy stuff with it.

SPEAKER_02 27:21

She's just taking that job so she can get paid.

SPEAKER_05 27:24

I guess so.

SPEAKER_02 27:24

Like, and she blasted the person on her stories and then called the person's university and tried to like have repercussions come from the university that she's going to and all this stuff.

SPEAKER_05 27:38

Okay. You are letting people take up way too much space in your dome. Again, people are entitled to their opinion.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

It's it's the right to free speech, which, you know, hotly contested these days, but I also think the more time goes on, I realize I am of the thought that unless it's something that somebody's bringing to the table that you need to do some reflecting and thinking on and like have an opinion on, you just gotta let people say and you know, chatter what they're gonna chatter. If you feel good about you, why does it matter?

SPEAKER_05 28:14

No, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:15

If you feel good about the choices you're making, why does it matter?

SPEAKER_05 28:18

Uh yes. I mean, completely agree. Like you can feel some kind of way about it. Just stop making content, trying to flame like random people.

SPEAKER_02 28:27

It's just never cool. No, tearing down other people is never cool, even if they suck. Yeah, they can be terrible. Like there are plenty of people out there that are terrible.

SPEAKER_05 28:38

Let's be honest, it's punching down. Right. That's honestly the biggest part. Go after somebody your own size if you want to start beef or have I I still don't think it's worthwhile. But it's the punching down that I think is really offensive. The power discrepancy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:52

Like it's it's unhinged.

SPEAKER_05 28:54

Yeah. Because again, there's some degree of okay, if you want to call people out, pick on somebody your own size.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Right.

SPEAKER_05 29:03

And then they can pick on you back. Then it's a fight, and it's drama, theater.

SPEAKER_02 29:10

Why aren't you doing more of that? That's my Matt loves divisive opinions.

SPEAKER_05 29:17

No, I despise it. Conflict. Big conflict guy.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

We're we are some of the most conflict averse people I know. Truly, truly.

SPEAKER_05 29:25

We're like, well, we'll just suck it up and suffer.

SPEAKER_02 29:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 29:30

Yeah. We'll let it ride for a while. We have several, several examples of that in our life. Some of which we have later, and we're like, oh, okay, we gotta we gotta figure that out. But willing to let a lot of things ride for a while. And I think that's not a huge here. Well what a positive spin on it. We're willing to give people a chance.

SPEAKER_01 29:52

Totally.

SPEAKER_05 29:53

Sometimes several chances.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

Totally.

SPEAKER_05 29:56

We believe in redemption, you know?

SPEAKER_02 29:58

Sure.

unknown 29:59

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 30:00

We're always cheering for redemption or the underdog. Ooh.

SPEAKER_05 30:05

Okay, maybe not.

SPEAKER_02 30:07

All right, all right.

SPEAKER_05 30:07

We're really stretching it out.

SPEAKER_02 30:08

Give me a word of the week, my guy.

SPEAKER_05 30:10

I digress. I digress.

SPEAKER_02 30:11

You digress.

SPEAKER_05 30:12

Yes. Word of the week.

Word Of The Week Bumbershoot

SPEAKER_05 30:14

This is a good one.

SPEAKER_02 30:15

Word of the week. Chow, chow. Word of the week.

SPEAKER_05 30:18

Bumbershoot.

SPEAKER_02 30:20

Bumbershoot?

SPEAKER_05 30:21

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_02 30:22

Ooh. Swaggy.

SPEAKER_05 30:24

What do you think it is? It's a noun.

SPEAKER_02 30:25

Uh it's a noun?

SPEAKER_05 30:26

It's a thing.

SPEAKER_02 30:27

It's a thing. A bumber shoot. Uh oh. Ooh. A walking stick.

SPEAKER_05 30:36

Not even that far off.

SPEAKER_02 30:37

Really?

SPEAKER_05 30:38

It's an umbrella.

SPEAKER_01 30:39

Oh.

SPEAKER_05 30:40

Yeah.

unknown 30:41

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 30:42

Are you impressed with me?

SPEAKER_05 30:44

I mean, kinda, yeah. That was they're shaped pretty similar.

SPEAKER_02 30:48

Just one, you know, you can use a bumper shoot as a walking stick.

SPEAKER_05 30:52

That's exactly what I was like, man, not too bad. Not too bad. Yeah. It's an umbrella.

SPEAKER_02 30:58

Interesting. What's that?

SPEAKER_05 31:00

It's like an 1890s piece of stuff.

SPEAKER_02 31:02

Are we bringing it back? Let's teach our kids only bumper shoot. Grab your bumper shoot.

SPEAKER_05 31:09

Bumbershoot, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:10

And then people will be like, where did you grow up? And like, ah, it's just an Arkansas thing. And then people from Arkansas will be like, no.

SPEAKER_05 31:16

Where did you grow up? A time traveler.

SPEAKER_02 31:18

Yeah. The 1800s.

SPEAKER_05 31:22

Yeah. We just we get them on penny farthing bikes, the big wheel bikes. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_02 31:29

I'm like, I'm gonna need a lot of people.

SPEAKER_05 31:31

Pretty sure that's a penny farthing bike. Sometimes I say things and you question them so I just don't know anything. That's fair. Just sometimes that shakes my confidence. And I was like, sorry, oh no. Did I did I botch it?

SPEAKER_02 31:43

I'm so uninformed. I'm never looking at you like you don't know anything. I'm looking at you like, tell me more.

SPEAKER_05 31:49

Yeah. I don't know. I just believe in you. And so you're like, what? Like, oh no.

SPEAKER_02 31:54

I I believe in me in lots of ways. Not for like trivia or facts.

SPEAKER_05 32:01

It's true. Just you have good confidence.

SPEAKER_02 32:04

Well, because I think I have good opinions. I don't have deep knowledge of things.

SPEAKER_05 32:09

Yeah, that's fair.

SPEAKER_02 32:11

Like, I think that you can inform me of something and I can get to a pretty grounded take and understanding of it quickly.

SPEAKER_05 32:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:19

That's all I got. Bad dad, mean mom.

SPEAKER_05 32:22

Bad dad, mean mom. Oh, there's opportunity for that this week, I feel like.

SPEAKER_01 32:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:27

Oh, here's a good one. Here's a good one because uh it's it's pertinent.

Bad Dad Mean Mom Travel Clash

SPEAKER_05 32:32

With all of our travel coming up, uh, I did schedule one of our one of our trips over our oldest preschool graduation. So she's excited to go to the beach. She's not as excited to miss out on the preschool graduation that they've been practicing for every single morning. Yeah, I don't know that she's actually included in the practice now, which I feel extra bad about.

SPEAKER_02 32:54

Well, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 32:55

Yeah. Yeah. Because she will be missing at the actual event. So yeah, I've gotten to feel bad about that several days now. She's like, I don't do the practice. Like, damn it.

SPEAKER_01 33:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 33:11

She can feel great. Not our best great. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

So we didn't know.

SPEAKER_05 33:16

We didn't know. We scheduled it before we knew about it.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

Honestly, the bad dad mean mom part is we probably had that on a calendar somewhere. Maybe not, though. I don't know.

SPEAKER_05 33:26

I don't know. We live, you know, one week at a time, really. We really do. A couple weeks at a time at most.

SPEAKER_02 33:31

We really do. What do we have for voicemails? Voicemails.

SPEAKER_05 33:34

Let's see what people uh have been saying. Surely something, right? Let's kick it off with

Gold Allergy And Sentimental Jewelry

SPEAKER_05 33:39

a voicemail. This one's fresh.

SPEAKER_00 33:40

Hi, Joe and Matt. Um, I'm a big fan of the podcast, but this is my first voicemail, so bear with me. Um I have a kind of interesting dilemma. I found out recently after years of wearing gold jewelry, that I have a gold allergy that just started manifesting um and bothering my skin. And the only way to kind of handle that is to cut out gold jewelry. And so now I have all of these sentimental pieces of gold jewelry, such as like a watch from my grad school graduation and my engagement ring and my wedding band, um, all made out of gold, and I can't wear them anymore. So I am looking into like sterling silver jewelry options and other options like that. But my question is if you had a sentimental piece of jewelry that you could no longer wear, would you keep the piece and like save it for your future children to wear if they don't have the same allergy? Um, would you kind of would you decide to reset the piece into like a different metal um so that you could keep wearing the same stones? Or I don't know, are there any other things that you might consider? I'm kind of I'm looking at all of my options.

SPEAKER_02 35:10

That's wild.

SPEAKER_05 35:12

That is wild.

SPEAKER_02 35:12

That actually kind of stresses me out.

SPEAKER_05 35:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

I that's been a huge part of my journey the last couple of years, slowly investing in more forever jewelry pieces. I started at uh right before our wedding getting my pendant necklace and went from there. And I have a problem that I'm very sensitive to a lot of metals, but I can do gold. And so I have really quite the opposite of that, I guess. Uh I think that it depends on what it is. Yeah. I think I would be inclined to get my engagement ring and my wedding band reset with stones or whatever I have in it that I could still use because the gold is then not useless to me, but like I want to carry an item with me through my entire life and marriage. And so I want to take the pieces that I can. If I was able to melt down that gold and, you know, have it used to just make a gold band or something that I could later pass down to kids or whatever it is, that might be something I would do. If it was a piece that was passed down from family, like I have, I don't actually think I have any gold pieces that have been passed down from family. But if I did, that was had been my mom's or my grandmother's or anything like that, that I would probably hold on to and not do anything with and set it aside to be passed down. I think.

SPEAKER_05 36:43

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

I'd think on it though.

SPEAKER_05 36:46

I was just looking up. Uh, can you plate jewelry with other metals? Well what I just looked up, uh-huh, um, you can rhodium plate. It's just a metal. You can rhodium plate. Some people do it with like white gold to make it more silver and stuff. So I think depending on how but I don't know how durable it is either. I know nothing about it. I just was like, can you plate metals? That was that was just in my head. The other thing I feel like you could do, depending on how allergic you are, is like maybe wear some of it on a different metal like chain.

SPEAKER_02 37:20

I I'm thinking that this is a no touch the skin situation if we're it's probably a pipe dream. Yeah, yeah. You just have a rash on your chest at all times.

SPEAKER_05 37:31

You just wear it really long, so it's it's out of sight. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah. Again, maybe plating things is an option. Maybe it's prohibitively expensive and you might as well just get something reset in a different metal. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 37:46

I'd be I would be inclined to redesign stuff, but I don't A watch is tough. A watch, I don't I I have no idea. I'm like, you hold on to that.

SPEAKER_05 37:55

You can do what? Can you do surgical stainless?

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_05 38:00

You can do surgical stainless and you can do gold and silver.

SPEAKER_02 38:04

You oh me. You're asking what I can do. Got it. I can do platinum.

SPEAKER_04 38:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:10

I can do surgical steel steel.

SPEAKER_04 38:13

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 38:14

And I can do uh gold. Sterling silver. I okay I react to.

SPEAKER_05 38:21

Interesting. Yikes.

SPEAKER_02 38:23

Not mine's not extreme. It's not like I'm gonna have a and it's mostly earring, like I could wear sterling silver rings and stuff. It's earrings. Oh I can't wear sterling silver earrings. That's right. That's right.

SPEAKER_05 38:36

My ears swell up and yeah, I bet earrings if you have a gold allergy.

SPEAKER_02 38:40

But as long as it's not in, like I have worn fake cuffs and things like that. It's okay on my skin. It's when it's through a piercing. It's my mine's not not like that.

SPEAKER_05 38:50

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right. Here's somebody that sent in a piece of mail.

Toddler Stains And Laundry Fixes

SPEAKER_05 38:56

Not physical mail, that'd be hi Matt and Joe.

SPEAKER_02 39:01

I have two little toddlers who love to get messy outside. I feel like I'm always scrubbing out stains and their clothes still look dingy. Why do they even make light-colored baby clothes? Could you share your kids' laundry routine or product recommendations? Thanks. Love the pod. From Evansville, Indiana. I have family there.

SPEAKER_05 39:18

You do.

SPEAKER_02 39:19

So shout out.

SPEAKER_05 39:21

Okay. Okay. Laundry routines. One of your biggest things is going to be soaking. Soaking things over like a period of time. Uh, borax is useful. OxyClean is useful. Sometimes a combination of the two. White vinegar is effective. Sometimes it's looking up. You're gonna be best served looking up what the stain is. If you don't know what the stain is, then it's a pain in the ass because you don't really know why you're fighting. An OxyClean Soak does wonders. You can do like laundry stripping if things are like really out of hand, especially if it's just dingy.

SPEAKER_02 39:56

Give us another email. Give us something.

SPEAKER_05 39:58

All right. If I think of anything else along the way, I'll just interrupt our conversation

How We Disagree Without Damage

SPEAKER_05 40:04

with it. Hey guys and grandma Sarah. Shout out to Grandma Sarah. I was wondering if you could talk about how you deal. Hey guys and Grandma Sarah. You guys knew how many times I had to reread emails. Be appalling. Hey guys.

SPEAKER_01 40:23

My favorite part about it is you'll hand it to me and be like, this one's really hard. And for being the girl that can't pronounce words.

SPEAKER_05 40:33

I'm the guy who can't read. That's fine.

SPEAKER_02 40:35

Out loud.

SPEAKER_05 40:36

Yeah, it's true. I haven't tried to read for fun in a minute, but hey guys, and Grandma Sarah. I was wondering if you could talk about how you guys deal to arguments or disagreements respectfully within a relationship, especially if you both have different takes on something. Love the way you talk, Joe, and the way you two talk together, as well as the way Matt thinks, his knowledge and how his brain works. Ten out of ten favorite podcast. All the way from New Zealand.

SPEAKER_02 40:59

Wow.

SPEAKER_05 41:01

They want me to get that tattoo.

SPEAKER_02 41:02

Yeah. Which one?

SPEAKER_05 41:04

I don't know. Get that tattoo. Any other tattooed tattoo as is pronounced.

SPEAKER_02 41:08

People, when I said tattoo in our video, were like, I just love the way you pronounce tattoo. And I was like, oh.

SPEAKER_05 41:16

You should hear Australians.

SPEAKER_03 41:18

Tattoo.

SPEAKER_02 41:19

I love that. Uh anyway.

SPEAKER_05 41:24

How do we deal with? Yep. Sorry, guys. Uh, I don't know how it's gonna sound once I put it together. I will leave some of the discombobulation in. I was wondering if you could talk about how you guys deal with arguments or disagreements respectfully, if you have different takes on something.

SPEAKER_02 41:41

Do you think we're good at that?

SPEAKER_05 41:43

I think you're good at it.

SPEAKER_02 41:45

Really? I was actually gonna say the opposite.

SPEAKER_05 41:47

You think I'm good at it?

SPEAKER_02 41:50

Actually.

SPEAKER_05 41:51

I feel like we've had conversations in couples therapy recently about how I'm uh how I struggle with a different experience of reality.

SPEAKER_02 42:01

I agree with that. I was thinking more of the respectful piece of things that I feel like you're generally good at that, but I wonder now, doing further thinking about it, if that is more because you take a step back and just don't say anything at all.

SPEAKER_05 42:20

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 42:20

So it's hard to think of it as disrespectful when there's just a lack of communication entirely.

SPEAKER_05 42:28

Like that's how it goes more with if we are not maybe not a stranger, but if we were in mixed company. But that doesn't really work in a close relationship when you're having to actually talk things out.

SPEAKER_02 42:39

And so while that strategy works to just like keep your mouth shut sometimes, or provide like a well, you know, this is my thought, but I think the core of it is instead of thinking about being respectful and how you're talking to your partner, thinking about how you're receiving the information your partner's sharing, and assuming good intent. That's a huge part. Assuming that where they're coming from is that they want to work together to better things and they're bringing it you to your attention because it's something that hurt them, and they want to mend with you and they want to do better together. I think that's a huge part of why I'm really receptive to feedback, and also a big reason why I feel comfortable sharing is because, from my perspective, I feel like when I bring something up to you, it's not to hurt you or to shame you or to make you feel bad or any of the above.

SPEAKER_05 43:45

I do that all by myself.

SPEAKER_02 43:46

No, well, yeah, but definitely. That's not my point. But I know that my goal in bringing something to your attention is to make our relationship stronger more than it is to. Do any of that. And I always hope that that's the assumption you make. Because again, perception's reality. So if you want to run it through the filter that they are making a statement about you and your character, you can, but I think that's inherently harmful to your relationship. Like speaking from experience. Yeah, I assume like that's something that we really struggle with because I assume you to always have good intent. And or like when something is said that's hurtful, I assume it to be like a byproduct of another goal entirely. And so I don't feel uncomfortable bringing it to you because you didn't know, and how can you know unless I bring it to you?

SPEAKER_05 44:57

Yeah. Well, I think one of the funny things is like they're hearing it on the podcast.

SPEAKER_02 45:01

Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_05 45:02

And one of the things the podcast does is gives us not necessarily in the room, but it's like an objective third party or an objective perspective, which I think always keeps people on their best behavior. That's one of the huge utilities of couples therapy, is that you have somebody there observing and guiding the conversation. Now we're not getting feedback in that in real time, but it does kind of level the playing field and keep things more neutral because you know there's some rule of engagement, so to speak, and that it's all recorded and you can go back and everybody's on their on the top of their game. I I struggle and it's taken a lot of time to accept that there are different that perception is reality because that there is such a feeling inside of me that there is an objective reality, like there is what happened, and that's true, but it's also not fair to assume that my point of view is the objective reality. It's hard to get there because what you experience is I'm gonna say reality, like so many times, and it's gonna sound insane, but what you experience is what you perceive. What you this is gonna sound so circular and crazy. But your perception is the only information that you're taking in. And then you have to deliberately put yourself in the other person's shoes and understand okay, they had a different experience, and that is their reality, and the two may never meet up. And so often I try to like push them together or be like, this is the reality, this is what happened, and that's where you can just your perception is just wrong.

SPEAKER_02 46:49

Like, just let me tell you really quick, it should be like this.

SPEAKER_05 46:52

No, I'm objective, you're not, you did something wrong, yeah, and that's where you get into like a ton of trouble and it really breaks things down. And that's something have you tried recording yourself and doing in a podcast format?

SPEAKER_02 47:06

Not even a podcast format, just recording yourself, period. As long as you and your partner are okay with it. Like if you know that you're about to bring something to the table that is going to spark disagreement and dysregulation and stuff like that, recording yourself can be so valuable. We've done it a couple different times when we've been arguing over things because when I'm emotional and when I'm elevated, I can't remember anything that's been said.

SPEAKER_04 47:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:32

Like the moment it comes out of my mouth, Matt will be like, What? And Matt has a rolling log of the words often.

SPEAKER_05 47:39

I have an auditory processing disorder. Uh disorder makes it sound very formal. I struggle with auditory processing, which sounds crazy because what I end up doing is I remember all of the sounds more or less that have been, and so I have a really good ability to recall what's been said in a conversation, but I think it's because it's coming in a little slow, and so I have to do that. And it's just something that I've developed as a coping mechanism. But I have a really bad habit, bad habit, I don't know, just wired and a lot of internal self-issues that I interpret a lot of times tone, like I'm really hypersensitive to tone, and it gets shaded by my own feelings about myself. Like I'm kind of primed to hear it negatively if I feel negatively about something I've done, if I feel shame.

SPEAKER_02 48:25

Well, and recording ourselves has been absolutely pivotal to that because Matt will come back and feel upset about how I said something. Not like in a I've I'm gonna get you. It's not like that. It's just a okay, that's fair. Like that is a real feeling that you're having. Let's go back and listen to it.

SPEAKER_04 48:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:41

So I can hear how I sounded and you can hear how I sounded, and then let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_05 48:48

And which requires you to stay calm when I come in hot and accuse you of using a tone in some capacity. And you're very receptive to going, okay, I don't like I don't remember doing feedback. Yeah. But that's whereas I'm like, fuck your feedback. You take that back right now. I never said that and I never meant that. You're really good at going, okay, yeah, that's fine. I can accept that if that is how it was interpreted, or if that's what I did, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_02 49:18

Yeah. But going back and listening, the reason I wanted to bring that up is going back and listening, I think has really helped calm that in you because we've had a few circumstances now where you say that, you come in hot, and we go back and listen, and you're like, oh, actually, I guess I'm not as objective as I thought.

SPEAKER_05 49:39

But it it took, and again, I'm better at it now, but I do think having to record that did show me that the tone is not always there. That's how you get your objective third party or your your real truth of something. And that broke a lot of disillusioned ideas that I had that I was a perfect feedback machine and I had just the best point of view. But you have a great point of view, yes, but it is a biased point of view, and I really didn't think it was for a long time.

SPEAKER_02 50:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 50:09

Or wasn't willing to accept that it was.

SPEAKER_02 50:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 50:11

But a lot of it is a projection of my own shame issues.

SPEAKER_02 50:15

Yeah. Well, circling back around.

SPEAKER_05 50:18

Yeah, we digress.

SPEAKER_02 50:19

We digress. No, I think the best tip I can give is coming to the table, knowing that your partner and you have the same goal of caring for one another and being good to one another. If you feel like that is not your partner's goal and you can't align on that goal, that's a completely different issue that needs resolve before you can navigate problems. A lot of times when we get heated, which we do, like we get heated at each other, we get frustrated with each other. It happens. When we get really heated, a lot of times something I'll do is be like, okay, hold on. What's your goal right now?

SPEAKER_05 50:58

To win.

SPEAKER_02 50:59

And that is your answer a lot. And when you say that, does it click in your head?

SPEAKER_05 51:04

Yeah, does it sound bad? Yes. I'm like, well, that is a crazy goal.

SPEAKER_02 51:07

Like, but it doesn't have any kind of moral value when I ask that. I ask that in the moment because I'm like, what are we doing? Are we trying to beat one another or are we trying to work as a team in our relationship? And a lot of times to just like acknowledge that and take a beat can really help.

SPEAKER_05 51:23

Yeah, it's a good reminder sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 51:25

We didn't talk about anything of the negative things I do. So now I'm feeling self-conscious.

SPEAKER_05 51:30

You don't remember what you've said.

SPEAKER_02 51:31

I don't remember what I've said.

SPEAKER_05 51:33

That part's tough.

SPEAKER_02 51:34

Yeah, it really is.

SPEAKER_05 51:35

Because when I have like this log of what's been literally said word for word, you're like, I have no idea. That does sound bad now that you repeated it to me, but I can't really you're like, sorry. I'm like, that's not gratifying at all.

SPEAKER_02 51:48

And I externally process. So I have to like work through the feelings that I'm having and why out loud.

SPEAKER_05 51:53

That can be tough for someone who is also logging all of the words quite literally when you're like, Oh, I was just spitballing. Like I was working my way to my thought, but I said other things along the way that weren't.

SPEAKER_02 52:03

I'm like, well, maybe this. And then Matt will say I'm like, oh, okay, actually, not that at all.

SPEAKER_05 52:07

That word means this. And you're like, yeah, I said that, but it's not what I meant.

SPEAKER_02 52:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_05 52:13

And that's hard for me.

SPEAKER_02 52:14

Valid.

SPEAKER_05 52:14

So these are Matt's struggles when dealing with conflict. Why he avoids it as much as possible, which is its own problem. Matt's problems. This could be overthinking with Matt's problems.

SPEAKER_02 52:26

Oh God. It's all right.

SPEAKER_05 52:28

It's all right.

SPEAKER_02 52:29

I want to commend you though, because I do think that you have really worked at a lot of those things. And it's night and day. Like I think regularly you're able to come to the table and us talk about things.

SPEAKER_04 52:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:43

And I don't think that's easy. I think a lot of people just avoid.

unknown 52:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 52:48

And we very regularly are talking about stuff, talking through things. And I always feel like we're on the same team. And I'm really grateful for that.

SPEAKER_05 52:57

Thanks. I'm grateful for you. I think you're on my team. I think you're on my team when you shouldn't be, frankly. Half the time I'm like, nah, don't be on my team. My team sucks.

SPEAKER_02 53:06

I'm your team.

SPEAKER_05 53:07

I well, no, but I mean, again, I'm literally shaming myself on this podcast, but it's terrible. I know. It's it's a whole self-talk thing. It's not great. It's not great. But all that to say, the generous interpretation, assuming somebody's on your team, that makes a world of difference. So I'm sure that was uh as long as it should have been for sure, and not just a circular nonsense loop.

SPEAKER_01 53:31

So and on that note, we digress.

Closing And Listener Callouts

SPEAKER_05 53:34

We will catch you next week. We gotta stop.

SPEAKER_02 53:37

We can't stop with that. Rate, review, send us a voicemail, write us an email. We love to hear from you. And hope that you have a really great week. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 53:46

Bye.